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January 19, 2018

Funny Voicemail Greetings

Need some ideas for funny voicemail greetings? Our users have volunteered their best greetings that are guaranteed to bring a chuckle to your callers:

  • No one answers phone calls anymore; send me a text.
  • Who is this?! How did you get this number?!
  • Hi! It’s [Your Name Here]! Let’s Meet Up! I’m Close!!! (make running sounds then cut off).
  • Hello, if you’re hearing this, that means I’m probably trying to avoid you, so don’t leave a message, ’cause nobody likes you.
  • Hello? … Yea … Uh huh … Yea … No, you stop yelling at me … Oh, you’re yelling alright … you know what, I’m hanging up … yes, I am … (Beep) –
  • Hi, you have reached (names) voicemail. If you want money or to sell us something, we a) gave at the office, b) already have it, or c) don’t want it. If you are a friend, trying to give us money or just want to talk, then leave a message or try my cell phone number.
  • I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know what you want. But you can tell me all of that in the message you leave me.
  • Hey! It’s (YOUR NAME HERE). So, haha funny story, my phone and I are playing hide and seek….aaannnddd…it’s winning. I’ll call you back as soon as I find it. . Hey before you leave that message, do you want to know something about me? I love jokes. You want to know something I hate? I hate long messages, so why don’t you leave a short one and I’ll get back to you. If you leave a long one don’t count on it.
  • Hey! Its ____. Wanna hear a joke?
    Knock, knock!
    Who’s there?
    Not me, so leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!
  • Hello? (Pause) You’re still talking!? Shut the $%&@ up! BEEP.
  • Hello, and thank you for calling the Starstripe Mental Hospital. If you need to reach a patient, please press 1 and then say their name. If you are delusional, please have either you or your monkey press 2and we will connect you to Mothership. If you have short term memory loss and you don’t know who we are or why you called, please press 3 and we will remind you. If you are dying… well that is not our problem and we cannot do anything about it. If you want to sell us something… this number is no longer valid. Thank you for calling Starstripe Mental Hospital, and have a nice day.
  • You have reached the voice mail box of (your name). If you’re a hot chick/guy, you may leave a message at the tone. If your one of (your name)’s friends, you may also leave a message at the tone. If you’re not hot and not one of (your name)’s friends, call back when you are.
  • Hello. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call. I’m just waiting for more important people to call. If I hear your message and deem you worthy or the title “important,” I will think about calling you back, but for now. Bye! -Beep-
  • (Very long pause) Wait! Please don’t hang up! I want to hear what you have to say.
  • Hello? Oh hey wait a minute I can’t hear you… Sorry, hold on… Nope, still can’t hear you. You want to know why? Because I’m not here right now. So leave a message at the beep.
  • Hi…You have reached (name). I am unable to answer your call. Leave your name and number and I will return your call…If you are a bill collector, please send me a self-addressed stamped envelope so I can send you my latest bills. Have a great day!
  • The number you have reached is currently not in service, but when I wake up and turn my phone back on, it will be!
  • (name) is not available to take your call as of right now. If you are family/friends, press 1. If you are someone looking to give me a job, press 2. If you are one of the multiple out-of-area code numbers that constantly insist upon calling me, even though you should know by now im never going to answer, press the end button.
  • This is the voicemail box of The Goddess. Bow down and leave your humble message after the beep.
  • Hey, oh my god, I was just getting ready to call you. I’m so bored and was wondering what you were doing. Well probably getting ready to leave me a voicemail, but when I call you back will you let me know? Thanks…
  • Hey… Who is this…. Who…oh, I hate you. You are the worst!
  • Hello……. haha, tricked ya! Leave a message at the tone.
  • Hey It’s _____. Here are three things you probably shouldn’t do right now:
    1.) Don’t leave a message. It’s boring to listen to and a waste of my time.
    2.) Don’t call me back. I didn’t answer for a reason so just keep that in mind.
    3.) Don’t expect a call back. Its not gonna happen so you might as well forget about it.
    So keep those things in mind the next time you you call me.
    OK, thanks, bye!
  • Hi…sorry, but my therapist says I should spend more time “finding myself” than messing with a cell phone. So leave a message after my sad sobs.
  • Hello , you have reached _____. The reason I haven’t picked up is because YOU HAVE BEEN REJECTED. Thank you.
  • Hello, maybe I actually picked up the phone but I’m bored so I’m pretending to be the voicemail. Hey, don’t be such a critic! Would you rather I pretend to be a sofa cushion? (pause) Sorry, I can’t get to the phone right now because I’m pretending to be a sofa cushion, but leave a message and maybe I’ll get back to you when pigs fly.
  • Hey this is _____ and if you hear this, I either think you’re crazy and I don’t want to talk to you, or I’m trapped under something heavy. Leave a message.

Due to popular demand, we’ve published even more funny voicemail greetings in another blog post.

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9 thoughts on “Funny Voicemail Greetings”

  1. Emmie says:

    Hey, you’ve reached (name). If you’re hearing this one of two things is happening:
    1. I’m very busy at school/work
    2. I stared at the phone as it rang patiently waiting to get back to Netflix
    (Long pause) don’t bother with the message

  2. Jillian Knauer says:

    (For SuperNatrual Fans) Hello you reached (your name or The Winchester’s) I cant reach the phone right now because (pause) I’m fighting demons or I most likely died again call you later when I get out of hell.

    1. Dee says:

      I really liked your (for paranormal) greeting…I am a Caulbearer and just made up one for me..having my phone voicemails change to a text…so put, Hi, I knew you would call, because I am gifted…so. leave some clues why you need to speak with me today…or something like that…don’t know what will happen…DAB

  3. Jade says:

    (in british accent) oh my god nooooo you’ve made me spill my tea you trotter !!!!! *running footsteps and random sscreaming* leave a message ill listen and call back when Im not busy beating my bloody siblings with a shoe.

    1. Me says:

      In British accent: that is bloody brilliant

  4. Katherine M Nano says:

    Heres one…Dont be stingy don’t be cheap leave me the message after the beep

  5. Jack says:

    No one answers their phone anymore; send me a text.

  6. Liliford says:

    Buddy the elf what’s your favourite colour! (Beep)

  7. Nicolette says:

    Roses are red, violets are blue, pillows can weap, send me a voicemail after the beep

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